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The Belief-O-Meter

Good News! Finally there is a device that anyone who isn’t a believer can use to detect believers and steer clear of them.

The device, called The Belief-O-Meter (B-O-M), is very small and fits into your ear like a hearing aid. Whenever the wearer communicates with a believer and communications broach the believer’s beliefs, the device warns the wearer that all communication is being blocked by the believer’s beliefs and there is no point in attempting any further communication.

The B-O-M is automatically programmed with words of warning. For example, when belief-thinking is eminent in a communication, the B-O-M whispers in your ear, “Jesus snow-boarding Christ, get your ass away from this bitch/bastard.”

Yes, the B-O-M is gender sensitive too.

The B-O-M technology is based upon the phenomenon that whenever communications enter the realm of two-dimensional thinking into which belief-thinking inevitably deteriorates (i.e., right/wrong, should/shouldn’t, them/us, good/evil, etc.), the device begins to feel frustrated, dejected and discouraged. When the level of frustration reaches a critical point, the device issues the message to you.

A great additional feature is that the B-O-M is able to tell the difference between what people believe they believe and what people really believe. For example, a politician may say s/he’s protecting freedom, and even though s/he may believe s/he believes in freedom, one can tell by his/her actions s/he really believes in more controls and laws. The B-O-M does not screen out lies, it warns against belief. When the belief is a lie, the B-O-M gives a different message. It says, “Whoa, s/he’s full of shit. Don’t buy any used cars or generic drugs from him/her.”

This technology was tested and proven effective upon 100 CEOs and 100 college presidents who, as everyone knows, all believe they are managing in the best interest of their corporate bureaucracies even as they fill their pockets and their egos, at the expense of others, for self-validation.

Of course the main feature of the B-O-M is for the detection and avoidance of religious True Believers. The B-O-M can detect and warn against religious fanatics from over 100 feet away. It even works when they are on TV and when the sound is muted! It does this by detecting the very energy projected by these religious zealots.

The B-O-M senses the posture and energy of body language because the believer typically uses belief as both his/her crutch and strength. In these cases, the B-O-M warns, “Don’t kick the prop or the invalid will attack.”

Next the B-O-M picks up on meaning between the words of an articulate fanatic. The average person often mistakes adept articulation for intelligence. Remembering that everything the True-Believer says is filtered through their Acceptable-Feces-Sorter, the B-O-M sniffs the evidence. For example, when a zealot says things like, “God told me whatever, so whatever is true’, or God has given me whatever, so I must deserve it’, or God is with me always, so I can do no wrong’, etc.,” the B-O-M screams, “circular logic, circular logic’justification of lunacy by stupidity!”

The B-O-M also notices when the eyes of a True-Believer are cold and/or distant. This type of focus is often mistaken for loftiness and/or charisma when actually the True-Believer’s eyes are unfocused upon reality because his/her head has been “where the sun don’t shine.” When this energy is detected the B-O-M warns, “Your Belief-O-Meter will self destruct in 10 seconds taking your brain with it if you don’t run away or change channels.”

The B-O-M tries to keep your mind free by considering all possibilities and thus warns the wearer of all belief. For example, there may possibly be some kind of omnipotent force in the universe, no one knows for sure. However, if a God isn’t giving you what you want without telling you what to want’who needs it? Possibility means ruling nothing out, and thus communications and concepts may flourish. For example, the belief that cannibalism is ‘wrong’ is still a belief–and what if you run out of hot dogs? Anything is possible.

When you receive your B-O-M, remember it will detect any and all belief. Many people who are nonreligious are still avid believers. For example, a Nihilist can be a True-Believer in Nothingness, and an Atheist can be a True-Believer that there is no God. Both can be as obnoxious as a Christian selling crucifixes in Mecca. The wearer of the B-O-M must therefore try very hard not to spout belief him/herself. If you do allow belief to control your thinking and you are wearing a B-O-M it will automatically begin making extreme farting noises.

To order your Belief-O-Meter, e-mail $10 million to Gymwould@yahoo.com. Order Now!