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Hell for Nonbelievers

If there is a special Hell for atheists and other nonbelievers, I shall never fear for my comfort. The musings of Epicurus will entertain my mind and Voltaire will tickle my wit. While Paine harries the Devil, Franklin will write us a constitution. Cicero, Madison and Frederick the Great can in turn conspire a government that Marx will quickly deride.

Goethe and Poe will tell delightfully chilling tales by the eternal lake-of-fire-side. Mrs. Cady Stanton and Mrs. B. Anthony will preserve our equality and Darwin will write our history. Messieurs Robert Ingersoll and Bertrand Russell will entertain our ears in the theatre built by Carnegie and designed by Frank Lloyd Wright, and they’ll speak through the sound system invented by Thomas Edison.

Twain will make us laugh with his satire of old split-foot and criticism of the almighty, and Clarence Darrow will win his right to do so. Nietzsche will philosophize and Freud will analyze. Wells and Roddenberry will give us fantasy, Frost will give us poetry, Shaw will write us a play and Hepburn will be the queen of the stage.

Virginia Wolff will biographize our very own Margaret Sanger, a choice we’ll all applaud. Rubinstein will play us a tune and Berlin will pen the words. Charlie Chaplin will adapt for film a comedic tale of H.P. Lovecraft and Earnest Hemmingway that will star W.C. Fields. Howard Hughes will fund the disastrous project.

Pearle Buck and Ayn Rand will make us think and give Skinner thoughts to study. Snoopy will once again have daily installment in our paper, with Schulz returning to the drafting table. All in all I will be quite entertained.

My social calendar will be full to busting, and I’ll have many calls to make. The Huxleys (Aldus, Thomas, and Sir Julian Sorell) will be worth a talk on biology and authorship. Perhaps I myself can compose the great novel of the underworld with the help of Lawrence, Orwell, Joyce and Asimov.

I am in good company in my disbelief.