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December 14, 1998
by mathew

Note: Please don't send e-mail complaining that the links to the Vatican web site are wrong. We corrected them twice, but the Vatican webmasters keep moving their web pages to prevent us from linking directly to them.

Ready To Sin?

Have you ever wanted to commit adultery, but been too worried about your immortal soul? If so, the Catholic Church's new offer could be the bargain you've been waiting for!

We know it's not easy to be a good Christian in a world filled with temptations. There's always the thought that one day you'll have to spend time in Purgatory, paying the price of your worldly sins. But now, the Catholic Church is pleased to bring back a few of those simple Medieval values you thought we'd lost.

With our exclusive new incentive program, finally you can afford all those sins you enjoy so much. Pay today, sin tomorrow, with our Classic Indulgences®!

The idea is simple. Just follow the step by step instructions below, and you get an Indulgence®. Each Indulgence point is redeemable in Purgatory for instant forgiveness from one confessed sin -- you can think of it as your own personal Get Out Of Sin Free coupon! Indulgences are available exclusively from the Catholic Church, starting on January 1st 1999.

But that's not all. You don't have to use an Indulgence for sins you've already enjoyed -- you can qualify for the program now, and save the Indulgence for use later on, when you need to sin! Your Indulgence points never expire. You can collect up to one a day, and you can keep them for life.

Perhaps there are new sins you've been itching to try? If so, now's the time to start saving, as Indulgences will be available for a limited time only! Simply follow the steps below to get started, or contact your nearest authorized Catholic Priest to enroll.

Remember: Indulgences make great gifts for your dearly departed loved ones. What could be a more thoughtful gift for a dead relative in Purgatory than an Indulgence to ease their way into the afterlife?


Indulgences

"For those naughty but oh-so-nice moments."

Available exclusively from the Catholic Church, starting January 1st 1999.

Here is how to claim each free Indulgence®:

 

 Step 1

Perform a Good Work to qualify for our Indulgences® Incentive Program. You can qualify via any of the methods listed below:

Go on a Pilgrimage to Rome. Don't forget to check the Vatican Online Store for exclusive offers on travel and accommodation!

Go on a Pilgrimage to the Holy Land.

Spend time with the less fortunate. Choose from:

 The Sick  The Elderly Living Alone
 The Handicapped  The Imprisoned

Perform an Action of Penitential SpiritTM. Choose from:

 Abstaining From Smoking  Abstaining From Alcohol
 Giving Money To The Poor  Devoting Time To The Community

Actions of Penitential Spirit must be performed for a full day to qualify.

 Step 2 Go to Confession®. Check your local Yellow Pages for an approved Catholic Church which can handle all your Confession needs.
 Step 3 Pray for the Pope. Remember that the Holy Father may be infallible, but he still needs all the help he can get.
 Step 4 Receive the Eucharist on the same day as your Good Work is performed. Eucharist is available at your local Catholic church -- check press for details.
 Image Your Indulgence is now officially endorsed!

Terms and Conditions:

Limit one indulgence per Catholic per day. Offer not available to Lutherans. Indulgences available only during Incarnationis Mysterium, the Great Jubilee of the Year 2000. Indulgence not valid unless Eucharist received on day of Good Work. Indulgence is a trademark of the Catholic Church for its sin rebate incentive program. Indulgences are not magic, and may not ensure your ascension to Heaven. Check our complete list of terms and conditions.


Think this is all just a big joke? Read on...


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