The Argument Clinic
mathew
A reception desk in a sort of office building.
Receptionist: Yes, sir?
Man: I’d like to have an argument please.
Receptionist: Certainly, sir, have you been here before…?
Man: No, this is my first time.
Receptionist: I see. Do you want to have the full argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
Man: Well, what would be the cost?
Receptionist: Yes, it’s one pound for a five-minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
Man: Well, I think it’s probably best if I start with the one and see how it goes from there. OK?
Receptionist: Fine. I’ll see who’s free at the moment… Mr. Du-Bakey’s free, but he’s a little bit concilliatory… Yes, try Mr. Barnard — Room 12.
Man: Thank you.
[…] The man knocks on the door.
Mr Vibrating:(from within) Come in.
The man enters the room. Mr Vibrating is sitting at a desk.
Man: Is this the right room for an argument?
Mr Vibrating: I’ve told you once.
Man: No you haven’t.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I have.
Man: When?
Mr Vibrating: Just now!
Man: No you didn’t.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did!
Man: Didn’t.
Mr Vibrating: Did.
Man: Didn’t.
Mr Vibrating: I’m telling you I did!
Man: You did not!
Mr Vibrating: I’m sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half-hour?
Man: Oh, just a five minute one.
Mr Vibrating: Fine. (makes a note of it; the man sits down) Thank you. Anyway I did.
Man: You most certainly did not.
Mr Vibrating: Now, let’s get one thing quite clear… I most definitely told you!
Man: You did not.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.
Man: You did not.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.
Man: Didn’t.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.
Man: Didn’t.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did!!
Man: Look this isn’t an argument.
Mr Vibrating: Yes it is.
Man: No it isn’t, it’s just contradiction.
Mr Vibrating: No it isn’t.
Man: Yes it is.
Mr Vibrating: It is not.
Man: It is. You just contradicted me.
Mr Vibrating: No I didn’t.
Man: Ooh, you did!
Mr Vibrating: No, no, no, no, no.
Man: You did, just then.
Mr Vibrating: No, nonsense!
Man: Oh, look this is futile.
Mr Vibrating: No it isn’t.
Man: I came here for a good argument.
Mr Vibrating: No you didn’t, you came here for an argument.
Man: Well, an argument’s not the same as contradiction.
Mr Vibrating: It can be.
Man: No it can’t. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a definite proposition.
Mr Vibrating: No it isn’t.
Man: Yes it is. It isn’t just contradiction.
Mr Vibrating: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
Man: But it isn’t just saying “No it isn’t”.
Mr Vibrating: Yes it is.
Man: No it isn’t, an argument is an intellectual process… contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.
Mr Vibrating: No it isn’t.
Man: Yes it is.
Mr Vibrating: Not at all.
Man: Now look!
Mr Vibrating:(pressing the bell on his desk) Thank you, good morning.
Man: What?
Mr Vibrating: That’s it. Good morning.
Man: But I was just getting interested.
Mr Vibrating: Sorry the five minutes is up.
Man: That was never five minutes just now!
Mr Vibrating: I’m afraid it was.
Man: No it wasn’t.
Mr Vibrating: I’m sorry, I’m not allowed to argue any more.
Man: What!?
Mr Vibrating: If you want me to go on arguing, you’ll have to pay for another five minutes.
Man: But that was never five minutes just now… oh come on! (Vibrating looks round as though man was not there) This is ridiculous.
Mr Vibrating: I’m very sorry, but I told you I’m not allowed to argue unless you’ve paid.
Man: Oh. All right. (pays) There you are.
Mr Vibrating: Thank you.
Man: Well?
Mr Vibrating: Well what?
Man: That was never five minutes just now.
Mr Vibrating: I told you I’m not allowed to argue unless you’ve paid.
Man: I’ve just paid.
Mr Vibrating: No you didn’t.
Man: I did! I did! I did!
Mr Vibrating: No you didn’t.
Man: Look I don’t want to argue about that.
Mr Vibrating: Well I’m very sorry but you didn’t pay.
Man: Aha! Well if I didn’t pay, why are you arguing… got you!
Mr Vibrating: No you haven’t.
Man: Yes I have… if you’re arguing I must have paid.
Mr Vibrating: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
Man: I’ve had enough of this.
Mr Vibrating: No you haven’t.
[From “Monty Python’s Flying Circus: Just the Words, Volume 2“, episode 29.
Methuen, ISBN 0-413-62550-8 (hardback).]
[Also available in sonic form on “Monty Python’s Previous Record” and “Monty Python Live At Drury Lane”, both from Charisma Records / Virgin Records.]